Hi friend. First, if you are looking for theology that works, and is practical and real and not weighed down by religious ideology - check out my sister's blog HERE. She's like us, and gets us and knows that we have no clue what the world is about but we know love wins and God is love.
Secondly, let's talk about marriage. I've shared our story previously on the blog when it comes to mental health issues and medication and counseling.
But now I want to talk about marriage and relationships and the complicated-ness of all of it. Because me and Jerm? We're just like all of you. You've probably seen the social media aspect of us. I mean how weird would it be if you knew that I get annoyed when he leaves his socks on the floor and he probably is super tired of me paging my phone all day long because I lost it again? Or that we clash over our financial goals - I'm more of a here and now person and he's more of a save everything kind of guy. (type 2 and type 5 for you enneagram crazies - and yet, we've made it - so there is hope).
Anyway, in August of 2003 with exactly 200.00 to our name and a honeymoon laid out before us that we had no idea how to pay for, we said "I do" and left in my dad's car on an adventure of a lifetime. And our honeymoon - Boston. Why? 1. Because we had to pay for it 2. Because we had to drive since we had to pay and 3. Because we love history and who cares we weren't going to sight see anyway?
It took us to night # two of the honeymoon to have our first disagreement. And we had dated for 4 years prior to marriage, so who would've thought? But God, we were 22 and 21 and we knew everything and had it all figured out and everything was fueled by passion so when our PRINTED MAP QUEST DIRECTIONS didn't take into account the construction, we almost had it all annulled because he wouldn't stop for directions and I already was developing honeymooner's disease (it's a real thing, I wasn't a medical professional, I had VERY LITTLE education on sexual things and so I thought I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms 24 hours after our first act of intercourse and all that - you have no idea) so there was no time for stalling in a car in the middle of Boston.
Anyway, all that to say - relationships are hard. Whether you're single or married, it's complicated to keep on loving, keep on serving, keep on giving, when somedays the people you're loving are just plain weirdos.
Tonight though, I'm 16 years in to a marriage. Watching him fold laundry as I type. 20 years into a relationship with the same guy and getting my hair colored soon because grays are creeping in. And so I've learned a few things. Everything? No way. I'm always caught off guard by the magnitude of what I DON'T know. But, our marriage has taught me these things:
1. Joy is worth celebrating. Jeremy and I have had times marked by utter loss. Times of deep depression and a lot of questions. We've experienced loss of our first born, loss of friendships we were confident would last forever, loss of support from those we thought had our best interests at heart always. But even in times of deep deep loss, we've had pockets, seasons, years of joy. And when they're here - we are determined to notice. We refuse to let our collective grief be bigger than our collective joy. All the pain, all the years, all the living, all the laundry, all the up and down has proven this to be true: there is always something for which to be grateful.
2. You can only fix yourself. Darn it. I hate this one. Cause you know there was a day when I could list everything Jeremy could do better. (It was yesterday - j/k). But the truth is what my counselor told me long ago: the answer to every troubling situation is better when you are at your best. Need to know where to start? Counseling. Counseling. Counseling. Not because you need a shrink, but because you need to be yourself. And counselors are trained at helping you know yourself and discovering your own tendencies when in stress.
3. Time alone together is important. We 100% get it. But for any relationship to work, friendship or otherwise, time together is important. Distraction free time. On a budget? Indoor date nights are fun! Play an old board game, put down your phone or electronics and play 20 questions, check out the app: Relish for couples. It helps generate conversations if that's an area you struggle. If your significant other isn't in to time alone together, start at like 10 minute increments. And lower your expectations for sure.
4. Friends are necessary. Jeremy can handle me in my fullest, but friendships are priceless. Being able to go on walks with my sis and just lay it all out has given me outside perspective on who I am in life. Do I share the nitty gritty of Jeremy and I ? if I need to. But mostly it is good to hear about what is working for others and take or leave that knowledge. Make time for friendship. Even if it is just texting (trust me, I understand for a time I had 3 under 5).
5. Love wins. When in doubt, just love. It sounds easy but it's the hardest of all. "Love covers a multitude of sins." I never understood that passage until I realized it. That the more we love, the more we are quick to forgive. The more we forgive, the more we see how much we've been forgiven. The more we see how much we've been forgiven, the more we love. And the cycle continues.
Here's the deal: our marriage isn't perfect. But it's good. And we've WORKD OUR TAILS OFF for it to be good. It didn't just happen. We're both wierdos with a lot of hangups. But we're still here, loving the mess out of each other.
And we want that for each of you.
Love and joy,
Jenn
ps - of course, this does not apply to relationships of abuse, cheating or feeling unsafe. Get out of those situations and focus on number 2.
xoxo
