It comes as no surprise to those of you who really know me that the past few years have been kind of crazy. Some of you brave ones walked this journey with me - some of you cheered me on, sent me notes at the right time, showed up to events that I hosted just to be supportive. One day, I'll tell my story of this time - of losing myself and finding myself - of deconstructing my faith and coming out with more questions than answers but fully confident of this: I was born for love - to be loved - and to be love.
But the story is still in a tender time of processing and reflection. It's still shared only over dinner and in prayer. So today, this moment, isn't the time for that full story.
However, it is time to share one of the biggest lessons I've learned through this process:
Loving relationships are full of honesty and acceptance. It is not healthy to be in relationships that require you to hide your self.
Relationships are extremely important to me and my personality type (enneagram 2). In fact, when I'm not super healthy emotionally I define my worth based on how people feel about me. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic but being entirely honest, I have (in the past) literally lost myself in my pursuit of harmony in a relationship that refuses to have harmony.
I became a peace keeper - thinking this is what was good and right and honorable.
But you know what is better than a peace - keeper? A peace maker and boy howdy is that a subtle spelling difference and a huge life difference. Being a peace keeper is work that requires one to keep the other happy no matter the cost. But a peace maker realizes that lopsided relationships are really truly just emotional abuse cloaked in niceties. A peace maker is willing to talk about the hard things, to accept differences with joy, and to keep on loving. While a peace keeper is great at faking happiness while growing a garden of bitterness internally. A peace maker tends to her own self while a peace keeper obsesses over the other. Being in relationship with a peace maker means an honest relationship, where everyone is on the same page. Being in relationship with a peace keeper means always thinking things are perfect UNTIL THEY ARE TERRIBLE.
I'm not perfect at this concept yet. But I am determined.
Authenticity is a beautiful gift. But don't mistake me - it is not easy to begin when a relationship dynamic is well established. But learning to be ok with yourself, and not tie your worthiness to the acceptance or rejection of others is worth it.
So, be honest - are you a peace keeper or a peace maker?
