When I ask what everyone wants to talk about regarding marriage, and family, and children and religion, and faith, and God... it almost always can be reduced to one question:
if there is a loving God, why _____(fill in the blank)_____?
I ask this question too.
If there is a loving God...
why did I miscarry my firstborn?
why is our budget not ideal?
why did I lose who I thought was my best friend?
why aren't our relationships with our families the way we want them to be?
why do we feel misunderstood 100% of the time?
Dear one, I want so bad to not be talking to you about this through a computer screen. I want to have you over to my house. I want to sit by the lights of my imperfect Christmas tree and pour you coffee and talk about this soul to soul. Where we look each other in the eyes so we know what's real. I want to hold your hand and say everything I'm about to type. But for many of us - the screen is the gift we have for now and we will use this gift tenderly and carefully and with love and sacred understanding.
There won't ever be enough words, or right words to answer your heart's deepest longing. There won't ever be an explanation to why suffering exists or why bad things happen to anyone. I'll never understand why so much evil abounds.
But here's what I believe with my whole being. I literally feel this deep in my marrow:
1. You are not alone
Though I know that it feels you are alone, you're not. In my personal life I've tasted loss and I've sat at bedsides of friends who are holding their loved ones as they also died. I've visited child molestation victims and rape victims. In my professional life, I've heard stories so horrid that I dare not share them here. There are so many of us. Survivors. Grief holders. We cannot remove one another's pain, but maybe, we can link arms and lighten the load.
2. Gratitude is a discipline that's fruit is joy
I hate this one. I really do. I wish that it wasn't true. But here we are. And the truth will set us free. There is no magic pill or potion or word to take away your pain. But gratitude will let beams of light break through. Even in the worst pain, even in the darkest place, I encourage you and I'll need you to encourage me: find one thing that brings your heart gratitude. Write it over and over again. Remind yourself that gratitude can shift our perspective.
3. We are the ones we've been waiting for.
In a world of tragedy, in lives of upheaval - we are the ones. Those of us full of love and Christ and light, it's us. We are the light here. We are the joy. We are the menders, the broken healers, the wounded wanderers. When life feels unbearable, find another one of us. We can change the world.
4. The aching we feel is our heart's realization that we are hungry for justice.
The burning inside our hearts for fairness, for right vs wrong, it is the tale as old as time. It is the deposit of God within us, the hunger for justice and mercy. The cry for all things made new. And it will be and it is being. Already not yet. Find what passion is birthed out of your grief and pour your heart into kingdom come.
Wherever you are in your grief journey, know you are wrapped in love. Here is my very favorite quote about the grief of life:
“Grief is love's souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.” - Glennon Doyle
