For the past 10 years I have been on a mission to de - stigmatize mental health discussions. I have been open on social media, in speaking, in person regarding my own struggles with anxiety and have advocated clearly for early counseling, appropriate medication, and self care regimens that go beyond fluff and into the deep hard work of healing.
My own journey to healing has been full of ebbs and flows. Mountains and valleys. Brookes and rushing rivers. Each day has its own challenges but over the past 3 years there has been so much stability in my struggle with anxiety. I'm determined to keep doing the hard work, to keep getting the treatment, and to keep seeking help because a whole me equates to a healthier family.
What I haven't shared as much is how Jeremy has also struggled with depression. But tonight, with his permission, here's the continuation of his/our story.
About 2 years ago a medication he was taking coupled with some significant life events knocked my stable, strong, capable husband to his knees. We knew the side effects of the medication he had to take, and really thought it wouldn't happen to him. We knew that his genealogy would lend itself to a predisposition for depression but we had no idea the depths to which it could reach. I watched my confident, clear minded husband hold it together every day and make wise decisions at work and for our family and then at night I watched him curl into a ball and say he felt "hollow" inside.
Let me be perfectly clear. Not once in these times was this a spiritual issue for him. He was as fervent about faith as he had ever been.
What happened before our very eyes and within our family was a true mental health crisis. We could identify it, we had the resources and knowledge to seek help, and still we felt it might destroy us. By destroy us, we knew we'd stay married, we knew our kids would feel loved, but in our relationship we wondered if we'd ever see the joy of just life's simple pleasures again. Jeremy did the hard work. He got counseling. He took his meds. He learned how to leverage his yes and no to preserve his depleted energy stores. But there were dark days, sweet friends. Our family operated on survival mode and we did a lot of movie watching and snuggling and closing in to preserve our unit.
It wasn't sunshine and roses. But we determined to celebrate the small victories. Like the first time in 3 months that Jeremy woke up feeling rested. The first time in several weeks that he didn't have a headache. The first time in days that he felt like being the one to make breakfast.
We wrestled with goals and callings and life missions. We sought God for direction and community. We cut the cord on toxic relationships and invited a very few close ones into our journey. We treaded tenderly through the undoing of so much and the redoing of so much.
We fought like we knew nothing else but victory.
And we are still here.
We've seen the bottom and we're still right here. (thanks to Pink for those powerful lyrics)
Our marriage may look social media perfect and right now we are at the best place in our relationship that we've ever been. But let me tell you it was all grit and grace.
We've learned to love each other. Not the idealized version of one another. But the real us. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I no longer believe that marriage is some goal everyone should strive for. But rather that marriage is the tool God has used in our lives to refine Jeremy and I, to provide safe spaces for us to become and unbecome and rebecome, and to teach us that no matter what life throws at us with straight up grit and straight up grace LOVE WINS.
I'm sharing this tonight to say to each of us that mental health issues are real. You are not alone. People that have great careers, healthy kids, normal lives struggle with you as well. You can survive. It gets better.
We are ridiculous living proof of this.
And if our story can help one of you feel less alone, it's worth all the vulnerability it takes to share. We may feel like we are an island, all alone, but we are not. And we are worth the effort. You are worth the effort.
Jenn's favorite ways to stay mentally healthy: Prayer, Reading, Meditation, Yoga, Fitness, Nutrition, Medication, Rest
Jeremy's favorite ways to stay mentally healthy: Quiet time, Reading, Exercise, Yoga, Nutrition, Medication, Playing guitar
