When I first started counseling, I had no idea what to expect. At that point in my life one of my very biggest struggles was overextending myself. I'm SO HAPPY to say that I've grown out of this through a lot of hard work and soul searching and hard decisions. But rewind back to 30 year old Jenn and you have an overworked, under rested, people pleaser who said yes to every opportunity because - saying no often meant hurting someone's feelings, saying no meant someone would still have an unmet need, and saying no may mean I was missing God's proverbial will (more on this in a future blog).
So I went into my counselor's office: prim, poised, proper, prepared. I'm not even sure what she said to start the conversation but 90 minutes later I was wiping tears, collecting my purse, and inhaling the very best advice I may have ever been given.
My counselor's advice during this period of time was "no more explaining yourself." She bluntly told me that my people pleasing was leading me down a path of no priorities except the happiness of others and that chasing the happiness of others was like chasing the wind. She encouraged me to stand in front of her mirror and say "no." Then "that sounds lovely but I have other commitments."
She knew that I tended to explain what my other commitments were if I had to say no and that that "wasn't anyone's payment for my no." When I asked her "but what if I don't have other commitments?" she responded "you always should have a standing commitment to your mental health and your husband and children. Even if your night's plans were nothing but sitting on the couch watching Jeopardy, that is a commitment to your well being if that is what you need."
In a world that prioritizes busy-ness, this was a lifeline.
Ya'll I'm not kidding when I say I've heard EVERYTHING. At that point in my life I had a woman I greatly admired tell her that God gave her supernatural ability to survive on 3 hours sleep so she could work full time, keep a tidy house, home make every meal, and volunteer 7 nights a week at the church. She was superwoman. Literally. I wanted to be just like her. After all if God did that for her, I could do it too.
Virtually everyone I was surrounding myself with at the time spoke in this way:
Me - how are you?
Them - Good. Busy. You?
But make no mistake, this glorifying of busy-ness, this bragging about our busy schedules - comes with a price. It dishonors our Creator and our families, and it dishonors ourselves.
I'm going to speak bluntly to those who call themselves Christ followers now: when we glorify our busy schedules and never take time for rest and ourselves and alone solitude with our family, we have become the biggest hypocrites of all. Proclaiming freedom but being slaves to our schedules. Dragging our kids behind us in pursuit of doing good while their 18 years zips by and we never taught them the holiness of rest. Constantly giving our spouses what is left over because everyone else in the world got the best of us. What we're really saying is that we are little g gods who have to do all the things to prevent catastrophe and bring glory to ourselves (even false humility).
Scripture is replete with the concept of Sabbath without explanation. The ability to refrain from glorifying busy-ness for the simple realization that it all still goes on without us.
The truth is, in your busy schedule - you are absolutely replaceable. Your job would find someone else quickly, your volunteer organizations would find someone else, sports teams? someone else, etc. But your family - to those people you put on hold for your schedule, you are irreplaceable.
We owe no one our explanation. We owe those to whom God has entrusted us the healthiest, most whole version of ourselves.
But dear ones, I know this is hard. When I stood in front of my counselor's mirror and she said "Jennifer, I need help with x. Can you do it?" Even though I KNEW it was role play, I said the word NO and then eyes welled with tears. Would she stop liking me? Was I letting her down? Was I a disappointment because it wasn't my best?
But with practice, with age, with time, with work, with grace - even the most crazy of us people pleasers can learn that God is pleased when we trust them with the details and prioritize Sabbath.
This week, my heart encourages you to pursue Sabbath. I want to hear about it. What way did you buck expectations of you and realize that not one thing you do or don't do sways God in one direction or another?
Just you. At rest. Pleasing.
