Permed hair. Bath and body works cucumber melon scent. Slap bracelets. Books everywhere.
The quintessential 90's scene. I was holding my dad's beeper and we were talking over honey smacks during our usual family breakfast. Dad wanted to go over the Message version of the Psalms and mom was trying to be sure we had brushed our teeth. I was determined to interpret scripture appropriately. And Andrea was annoyed that we had to get up early for this.
Then she said something so profound that it has become a regular saying in our household.
"God is unfigureoutable."
Initially we laughed. Andrea was cute and funny and silly.
Then I went to college and thought I knew exactly Who God is. God was likely a 50 year old male (probably white in my mind) who agreed with the Republican party and the Iraq war. God was pro ME and anti MY ENEMIES. The Bible was 100% literal and there was no room for questioning God or my understanding of Him. If He were on earth, He'd go to my church and approve of my life choices. He was the God who favored me by giving me good parking spaces, and letting me get out of speeding tickets.
Fast forward to the night Jeremy came home from Regent University's Master of Divinity program one night late. Josiah was an infant. We were all tired. He said "Jenn it's the weirdest thing. My professor loves Jesus so much and it's so evident in his life. But he has different views than us on a lot of issues." Jeremy proceeded to name all the issues and I literally was dumbfounded. So much defensiveness welled up within me and I said "there's no way he really knows God, babe. No one who knows God could believe this way."
I effectively ended Jeremy's ability to come to me with what he was learning because to me it was all heresy, blasphemy, crazy talk.
Until it wasn't. Until I pulled at one of the house of cards I had constructed my life upon, and watched them all begin to shift.
Unraveling my faith has been one of the scariest and most holy journeys. I've never been more sure of three things: God loves me, I love God, and God is unfigureoutable.
The next several posts we'll spend figuring out the unfiguroutable - ness of God and why it makes me love God more. <3
We'll wrestle with some of your questions about God and some of mine and maybe it'll make us all feel less crazy and more mystified.
What are you wrestling with when it comes to God these days? I promise you're not alone and it's ok to ask the questions.
