About six months ago on a date night with Jeremy, we were laughing and talking at our favorite little hole in the wall scene. We watched the sun set and giggled and ate delicious food and did what we do every date night: talk about everything in the world - our beliefs, our doubts, our kids, our family, our future, our marriage, our hope.
And after dinner we walked hand in hand around the little town next door and stopped to hear a live band play. Jeremy innocently asked a loaded question:
"Do you like this kind of music?"
I stood there for a moment. Still. Soaking in the warmth of the weather, the pulsating beat, and his smile. Then I said, "Honestly? I don't know."
He laughed and we swayed to the music. And on the way home, I pondered.
What do I like?
He held my hand tight as I slowly came to realization that I didn't even know what I like.
I get it. It sounds so small, so trivial. Who cares if I don't know if I like grunge music? But it went much deeper.
It was like that scene from Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts is finally confronted with the fact that she changes who she is to please everyone around her.
And it's true - I am a people pleaser by heart. And so much of what I like has had to do with making others content. So much of who I have been and what I have said has been to appease the other. I've grown a lot but that hot summer night, I realized I had so much growing to do.
So for the past 6 months, I've been on a kind of strange journey to discovering what I like.
I have tried on different style clothes - and you know what? I still love Loft.
I have listened to different kinds of music - and I really like folky, story telling.
I've branched out of the true crime podcast world and realized I'm not a huge fan of self help podcasts, but I love Dolly Parton's America podcast ;)
I love wearing the color yellow. I like exercising first thing in the morning with my sister. I enjoy eating vegetarian and am not a fan of eggs.
I like when people I love support me by showing up, not by just words. I enjoy our new stage of going to church as a family.
I love staying home with my kids and doing nothing but listen to them play.
I really like teaching.
I don't like judging people. It doesn't make me feel better.
I love being inclusive.
I'm learning who I am.
Who are you? It is painful to realize that who we have been is a part of who we're becoming. I don't dislike past Jenn, I have a lot of love and empathy and compassion for her. And I cannot wait to meet future Jenn. But for right now...
I like me.
